I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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