??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
