So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
