I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize