I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You left your phone here
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