He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
