How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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