I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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