trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
