party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
