Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
