I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
