I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
