I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
