You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
