it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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