Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
