At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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