i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's rum buckets o'clock
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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