You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
