i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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