Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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