Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
