I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
