I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
