I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
