you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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