can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Randomize
