It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
