I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
