Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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