there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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