omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
