He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Randomize
