so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
