but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
ttyl tear gas
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
