How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I am one with the molecules
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize