textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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