The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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