Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
