Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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