ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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