what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
