Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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