I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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