My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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