Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
