my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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