I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
