haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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