____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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