I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
