ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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