dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Drunk is a universal language darling
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
