Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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