ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I've blown a few things in my day
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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