Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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