he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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