Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
