So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
