Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
