party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
