I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
