Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
