She just used a chaser for red wine.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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