I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize