when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
